All of my maternity clothes (yes I’m already wearing them, shut up) from my last pregnancy fall off my body.  This is fabulous on one hand.  This is difficult on the other because clothes are pretty expensive.  Thank goodness for maternity resale.

It was a lovely sunny, mid-August day in Bellingham.  My brother was still here and wanted me to walk around downtown with him after my work out.  I was drenched in post 10 minute mile sweat so I insisted that we stop into a store so I could find something super cheap to change into (Rite-Aide if you must know, I’m classy like that).  I looked at the options and found that the size I needed was a MEDIUM.  For the love of God do you know how much sweat went into that medium?  It was the first medium size I’d purchased in 4 years.

That night, I saw two pink lines.  Motherfucker/Hallelujah.  I wasn’t expecting this.  We only “tried” once.

I remember when we were trying to conceive Ellis, how I longed to be that couple who got pregnant on the very first try.  Instead it took 4 months, which seems like nothing to me now but at the time was very, very, long.  This time, I thought, “Well, I’m in my thirties now so it should take at least 6 months for us to get pregnant.  That’s plenty of time to lose this last bit of weight, and allow myself to get used to the idea of having another baby around.  Plenty of time to figure out where the money’s going to come from, plenty of time to warm up to the idea of no sleep for practically two years.”  I needed those extra months.  I still need them.  Those extra months were meant to be used to figure out how to pay for this child; where to put this child; if I can handle this child; those extra months were meant to give me a chance to change my mind entirely.

And yet here we are.  I can’t help but think that there is a reason this kid is happening right away.  Maybe Tiny didn’t want to give me a chance to change my mind.

I’ve been so quiet because all of these doubts have been overwhelming me, yet I know how ungrateful it sounds when I voice them.  I am happy that Ellis will have a sibling.  I am looking forward to the tiny baby hands.  And I am scared to death about all the unknowns.  (this recession isn’t helping any either.  stupid idiot imbecile jerk off government.  thanks a lot)

I’m still half heartedly looking for a job although it hasn’t netted me one interview so far.  The thought of not being the primary caretaker for this new tiny life makes it hard for me to breath.  But it might be the only way to make ends meet.

So far this pregnancy has been pretty similar to the last one.  I’ve been a little more sick, even throwing up a couple of times, something I never did with Ellis.  I’ve been beyond exhausted.  I think I went to bed at 8:30 for 6 weeks straight.  I’ve been exercising a little bit, but not nearly as much as I had been and not nearly the same intensity.  And I’m already HUGE.  I think my belly is the same size as my 17 week belly with Ellis.  It’s just not right.

The due date was thought to be April 13th (my birthday), then they decided it was probably a couple of weeks later.  Either way my 31st birthday is going to be VERY different than my 30th.  I’m using a midwife this time and fervently hoping to avoid another c-section.  The recovery was just too agonizing and I want to be able to hold Ellis in my lap straight away.  He’s going to need some cuddles.

Behold the 11 week belly:

From Number Two Belly

We’re walking upstairs to get breakfast and Ellis says:

E: Mom?  Is the baby in your tummy a brother or sister?

Me: We don’t know yet, monkey.  We won’t know for a while yet.

E: What’s, what’s, what’s?  Does the baby have a name?

Me: No, not yet.

E: Well, I’m gonna name it Tiny.

*************************************************

I’m 11 weeks along.  Due late April.  Feeling a little less exhausted and nauseous.  Heard the heartbeat last week, and everything seems to be swimming along just fine.  We are thrilled. (Actually I am equal parts thrilled/terrified.)

If I owe you a phone call or email I am sorry.  One or the other of us has been fighting a yucky bug here for over a week now.  My turn came yesterday.  God help me tomorrow when I’m on kid duty.

I shall return.  Maybe even with some semblance of a real post.  For now, I leave you with this:

Ellis and I are at the store getting him some new clothes (he’s outgrown all his 2t stuff).  We have both Speed Racer and Batman PJ’s in the basket and I tell him he must choose one.  He says…

E: Speed Racer.

Me: Are you sure?  The Batman ones have a cape and everything!

E: Yeah.  Speed Racer is much cooler than Batman.

By the way, he’s not allowed to watch either one of those so I have no idea how he’s drawn this conclusion.  He’s currently obsessed with all things Super Hero.  Spiderman most of all.  I don’t know how he even knows who Spiderman is.  More on this subject to come I’m sure…

Actually, CNN’s coverage of just about anything in the southern regions of the US.  CNN=Condescending NuNu’s.

Much of my family lives in Houston/Galveston.  If you have a moment send some protective thoughts their way.  Even if they get out alright they face losing everything.  GO AWAY IKE!

We’re at lunch with a friend and V says:

V: You have some cool eyes Ellis.  Where did you get those?  At the store?

E: Noooooooo (laughing).  (suddenly serious) In fact, they’re attached to my body.

And there you have it.  My son is 2 going on 27-and-working-on-his-doctorate.

Did you know that ketchup contains high fructose corn syrup?  And did you know that not all soy products are vegan?  I know right?

So how’ve you guys been?

I spent about 90% less time on the computer and hardly missed it at all.  I missed knowing how all of you are of course, but I’d become a little too dependent on this thing.  Using it more as a means of escape than of connection.  Also, since I’ve been gone Ellis has stopped napping thereby virtually eliminating any free time I had left.  So I’m thinking my limited usage will continue more out of necessity than desire.

We’ve been:

feeding deer out of our hands on Orcas island

riding our bikes around town

eating and drinking well

watching movies

going to movies

watching the two fawn and mama deer eat the blackberries in our backyard

camping in the backyard

enjoying the sunshine

Generally making the most out of the last days of summer.  It’s already getting cooler here and it makes me a wee bit angry.  I’m programmed for summers that last basically 5 months.

What about where you live?  Is summer winding down?

Ellis station ID

The light cream cheese bit is a quote from an episode.  Which makes me again pledge my undying love for the fug.